The Waiting Game

Why hello, all two of my readers! I know, I've been gone for a bit. So what's up with me lately?

I've been applying for business school! Yes, before taking the GMAT because I was smart enough to schedule my test *after* most application deadlines! I am smart, S-M-R-T. So I have also applied for a GMAT waiver. Everything has been mailed off, so I should hear from the school ... sometime, I guess. The official deadline is August 2.

I've been taking pre-requisite modules in case I get into the school. Yes, you have to take these before you find out if you're accepted, so that you have enough time to complete everything before the MBA program begins. Since I majored in English as an undergrad, I have to take ... all 6 of the pre-reqs. Which in time spent going "wha?" and furiously taking tons of notes adds up to eleventy bajillion hours of modules. I've gotten into a routine and stuff is actually making sense now. How do I know? I tried explaining to Tom how to figure out predetermined overhead in order to calculate proper cost per unit using normal costing and he looked at me like I had three heads. I mean maybe I did have three heads at the time, but I think he was just awed by my awesome grasp of managerial accounting.

Diet and exercise are going alright. Still working out with Jillian via 30DS although I've been itching to get back on my treadmill lately, so I may alternate. I hit a wicked plateau after dropping a quick 6 pounds after signing on with Lose It on my iPhone. Luckily patience (and not diving into a Costco-sized bag of Swedish Fish) kept me on track and as of this week I am losing again. Woo!

I've got about 2 weeks before fulfilling my promise to post a pic of myself in my bridesmaid dress, so my weight picked a good time to start dropping again.

The container garden is going well. Still waiting on tomatoes and green peppers to get going, though.

It's way easier to wait for the veggies than the answer from school.

Traveling and Plans and Projects, Oh My!

Yes, it's been a few weeks!

I've spent the last three weeks traveling to Nashville (before the floods), North Carolina, and Ohio. Then I promptly got sick last week and am continuing to battle allergies this week. It's been an awesome few weeks.

Despite the travel and sickness and general malaise, there has been progress on several plans/projects. I have managed to not kill anything in my container garden -- in fact, stuff is growing! I've narrowed down my business school options and am now trying to figure out how to afford any of them. I'm still working out, doing the 30 Day Shred again. So sore am I. I've also started tracking my weight with the LoseIt! program - more to make sure my portions and calories don't start creeping up (like they did when I was traveling. Well actually, the calories didn't so much creep as make leaps and bounds; hello, lemon martinis and grapefruit gimlets and wine and copious amounts of delicious restaurant food).

The family is good. B is still potty training and I am continually amazed at the power of M&Ms as a motivating factor. His birthday will be here before I know it and then I'll sit and wonder how the hell I have a three year and have managed to not break him yet. Tom has some cool things going on and his school year is almost over; then it will officially be summer.

Finally, my bridesmaid dress arrived about a week and a half ago. I'm feeling so poofy that I have yet to admit that it's here or take a picture of myself in it. I'm giving myself a month to get my act together and then I am posting a picture no matter what. It will serve as good motivation, or public humiliation, or most likely, both!

Feel the (Fat)Burn

In my last entry I wrote that I missed running. I did, to a point; I guess more than anything, I missed *moving*. Being active, feeling good and not like an asthmatic 90-year-old.

So I got back on the treadmill. And immediately hated running again. It's just my nature: miss something, get nostalgic, take it up again and realize I stopped for a reason. Kind of like that time I thought I could wear jelly shoes in high school when they came back in the mid 90s. Yeah, not so much.

Anyway, my realization about hating running did not deter me from trying new things on the treadmill - mostly, the Fatburn program. In addition to the hopeful-sounding goal of the program, I'm enjoying the challenge of walking fast enough that I could run, but have to walk because my incline is at 6 or 7. I've even worked in a bit of jogging into the routine. Leg muscles I didn't know I had are sore after doing this program; overall this feels harder than jogging/running on a 1 incline, but I enjoy it so much more. Leave it to me to like something more difficult. That's also my nature.

The lesson learned? Branch out; don't feel like you have to subscribe to an exercise or plan because everyone says that's the fastest way to reach your goal. For the longest time I pushed myself to run because I thought that's what I had to do to make progress. Turns out it's a lot more effective to do what I enjoy and I'm more likely to stick with it. Why has it taken all these years for me to realize this?? I'm a little stubborn sometimes.

This realization has kick-started a movement for me in pursuing other goals as well - I'm more willing to look at alternatives to accomplish what I want rather than hold on to a notion of how I'm "supposed" to do things. It's quite freeing (and scary and kind of stressful, but I'll go with "freeing" for now).

Inspiration in Aisle 5

I hit the grocery store this Sunday on my own and took way too long to get everything and was, for some reason, scattered as all get out. So when the cashier mentioned that the chicken breasts were buy one, get TWO free and I could get another package, I went for it (What? Chicken is expensive, yo.)

I was a total dork and ran over to get the chicken and come back because the last thing I wanted to be was THAT person that holds up a line, then meanders all over the place before coming back, earning death glares in the process. No one was behind me at the time but I ran anyway. And as I ran, I realized something pretty shocking: I missed running.

Me. Missed running. This is huge. And so not what I expected to pick up at Harris Teeter that morning.

So I'm getting back to it -- quite delayed, as I have the "fun" known as Little Gym tonight so I'll be back to it tomorrow night. Why not Sunday night or yesterday, you ask? Or the last two months? Because I was busy and had stuff to do, of course.

But yes, tomorrow. Back on the treadmill FINALLY. Not signing up for a race anytime soon because have I mentioned that I hate training? But you never know, I might be willing to be talked into the Turkey Trot 10K come November.

As the Cleanse Turns ...

So the first two weeks of this cleanse thing have gone well!

Although I have had white carbs. And Swedish Fish. And cake. Just not all the time.

And I'm down 7.5 pounds in two weeks so I can't be screwing up too badly ... yet. But, and this is what is bugging me, I haven't really started getting active again. I really need to get me arse on my treadmill. I finally seem to be coming out of my winter funk (thank goodness warmer weather is here), now I just need to DO IT.

One thing I have done, bittersweetly, is cancel my Weight Watchers online account. It was great for helping me lose my pregnancy weight and then some, but I've stalled so much and I haven't been using it and by now, I know what portions to eat. I know when I've eaten too much. It's not about awareness for me anymore; it's about something emotional for me that an online tracker just can't address. I did have good progress with it though and do recommend it for those who need a good place to start for their weight loss.

I've also taken some other steps to help with some other things that have been holding me back ... not sure whether I want to open up about that yet or not. I feel like it's too early right now.

But yes, good progress so far! Let's see ... about 8 months until the bridesmaid dress.32.5 pounds to go.

Planny Plannerson.

Yep, time for more plans.

This time Tom and I are embarking on a 30 Day Cleanse to get ourselves out of the cookies and ice cream rut that took over when it snowed like a mofo earlier this month. It's not super-drastic, just trying to cut out white flour and sugar, eat whole grains when we do eat carbs, and just generally eat better. Hopefully we'll be so thrilled it will turn into a lifetime of awesome eating habits. Maybe.

So no more Singapore Mei Fun for me for a while. I will miss you, flaming-yellow fire noodles of my dreams.

I was trying to make the start of the cleanse coincide with my re-commitment to my treadmill and the 30-Day Shred, but that's been a no-go thanks to a pulled groin. I can't even say I pulled it doing something fun, unless trying to outrun a speeding truck while crossing the street is considered fun. Alas. However, I'm feeling better and hope to be back to it tomorrow. Follow along as I huff and puff my way to some kind of fitness!

As usual, my timing couldn't be more perfect: this weekend we're attending a wedding where the bride and groom are total gourmets and I'm sure the food and beverages will be fabulous. Hmmm. Everyone needs a day off, right?

So Yeah ... I've Been Away for a While

Not even on purpose ... January just took over my life and it seems like 2010 is going to be just as crazy and hectic as last year, if this past month has been any indication.

I need to get back to using this blog to make myself honest - I haven't hit the treadmill in a while and I like being all dorky with my various plans and projects. I'll get back to it soon.

Especially since I'm close to ordering my bridesmaid dress for November and have to find some magical way to drop 40 pounds by November 6 ... plus I need to drop that chunk of weight anyway. It's about time.

Think I can look foxy in this? This chick seems to be feeling her oats:

New Year, New Me?

So the holidays were good -- it felt like a sprint to the finish, but good overall. Lots of family time, good food, and hanging out. Having a wondrous two and a half year old who fully believes in Santa and fRosty the Snowman greatly imporved my enjoyment of the season.

So now, the NEW YEAR. A time for resolutions. Maybe a vow that with a new year will come a new me?

Nah, not really. I like a lot of parts of who I am already. But that doesn't mean I'm not up for change and improvement!

I am making a commitment to continue making fitness and eating well a major part of my life. I have also learned enough about myself over the last year to know that while I do enjoy my treadmill, races are not for me. So I'm not going to do them. I am bringing strength training though, via my favorite yelling Biggest Loser trainer. I'm just doing her 30 Day Shred DVD and some other workouts. Hopefully this will help round out the jogging so the flab can go bye bye. Please, let it go bye bye.

I'm also going to try and perfect a combination of being realistic, compassionate, semi-dead-inside (for business purposes) and snarky. Lately I have been sacrificing one or two of those traits and indulging in the other. I like that I'm all of these things, but when they come out of balance, a lot of my life suffers because of it.

It will take care in both my personal thoughts and actions, but I think I can do it. It's all about growing. Personally, not ass-wise, that is.

48:22; 536 out of 587

Yep - that's my time and my finishing place in the 5K this weekend.

I wish I had done better, but you know it's all about the journey, blah blah. I am proud of myself for training for something and doing it; I just wish I could have really hit the inspirational mark of doing better than I thought, or really kicking ass, or something. I suppose getting off my dead ass and doing something at all is pretty kick ass, though.

Also, and here's where the excuses start!, I was battling a pretty hefty allergy attack. I sounded like I smoked 3 packs a day and I couldn't breathe through my nose. So I suppose, for an overweight snotty mouth-breather, I did pretty well.

The coolest thing for me though was the feeling afterward: No, not the immediate feeling of wanted to throw up/pass out because I started my kick too early and the finish line was farther away than I estimated. Once I sat down and had some water, I felt ... good. Really good. Not dead, not exhausted. I felt good, like someone who's working toward being healthier who accomplished a goal. So I guess, despite my tortoise-like time, it was a big victory for me.

And now I'm plotting. The Charlottesville Marathon/Half Marathon/8K is coming up in April. I'm aiming low for the 8K, but who knows ... maybe a half is in my future? I'm getting back on my treadmill tonight; we'll see where it takes me next.

Get Ready!

Tomorrow's the big race day! I'm actually feeling pretty good about it, hoping to just have fun and get through it.

I'm currently battling an allergy attack that has left me with a crazy throat situation and no voice, so that should be interesting. My practice jog went OK yesterday so hopefully tomorrow will be fine.

So ... catch ya on the flip side when I will be DONE with this 5K! And then I'll probably write some sort of philosophical/sappy entry afterward about my training journey. I know you're excited.

I Will Be So Glad When This is Done!

And by "this" I mean, of course, this #!%&@ 5K. I am over training for it, I am over panicking about looking stupid while running it, I am. over. it.

You know I'm over it when I'm doing that writer crutch thing of putting a period after every word for emphasis.

But, to my credit (have to give yourself a little credit every once in a while), I'm doing fine with training. It's just sucky because I'm putting pressure on myself even when I try not to. I don't know ... I'm weird, OK?

Other than prepping for the 5K we're putting together packing lists and whatnot for our grand road trip up to Long Island to see the in-laws, attend a wedding, and celebrate my SIL's engagement. This trip is bringing on a whole other level of stress, but I am trying to focus on the good and visualize a smooth trip. If I envision it, it will happen, right?

I'm also debating whether to blog about something kind of judgy but irritating, but wondering if I should since peeps who read this blog will know exactly what I'm bitching about ... hmmm ...

Oh, and it's Tuesday. Looking forward to watching Fat People Crying while noshing on low-fat pumpkin bread. It's my night off from jogging.

Work it Out, Work it Out.

So I jogged last night and it was fine. I was a little slower than usual, but not too far off of my usual pace of ... 13 minutes per mile.

Ha! Yes, you read right. I think the tortoise, the hare, and the entire fable-tastic forest would beat my ass in a race. But whatever, I'm doing it and I will be done in under an hour, which is all that the race people require. Done.

I'm jogging again tonight so that I can squeeze in three jogs for this week. We have Little Gym tomorrow night and you know, I just CAN'T miss that. Because nothing caps off a long workday like 20 simultaneous toddler meltdowns over who gets to do a forward roll on the cheese mat first.

So, yes. Three jogs this week and well on my way to hopefully not embarrassing myself on November 21.

Tonight when The Biggest Loser theme song asks me what have I done today to make me feel proud, I'll know. Aw yeah.

OhMyGodWhyAmISoLazy??? Part Infinity.

Oy, y'all. My fat lazy arse STILL has not jogged. We're going on almost a month here, kids. It was all going so well, I was in a GROOVE and working out! And THEN.

My freaking back and shoulder decided that fat was better than active and have completely rebelled. Hey, it's not like I have a what-should-be-easy race coming up in 4 weeks or anything ... that I'm running in front of people I know ... hey wait.

The time has come to suck it up and tell my failing body parts what's up, because I am jogging for the first time in a while tonight. The seismic thud you hear coming from Central VA is probably just me passing out ... just ignore it and carry on.

Besides, I have a wedding to go to in two weeks and THEN my sister in law has her wedding coming up in a year. I am a bridesmaid. I cannot be the bridesmaid that makes all the other bridesmaids wear a not-hot dress because I'm the fattest one. You know what I'm talking about.

More Randoms: Now with Updates!

So the client webinar went OK, and seriously, that's being generous. I know I should cut myself some slack because it was the first one, but I was not pleased. Luckily, I've already taken steps to fix the issues we had and make the next one better in both tech and content.

Still haven't jogged. Am suddenly having a hard time caring, which worries me. I know I need to be active to be healthy, and I'm know I'm doing my usual "If I HAVE to do something (5K), then I refuse to prepare for it, so neener." Except that I'm neenering myself, over something that I willingly signed up for. Sometimes I'm just a self-sabotaging idgit. I'll start jogging again soon, but I'm bummed that I still find myself in this behavior pattern.

Potty training B is ... not really going. It's more like practice than training. He LOVES wearing underpants, but isn't quite attuned to when he has to go, so there have been quite a few accidents. It's frustrating, but since we've started early, I'm hoping things will fall into place eventually.

What else? I'm doing some light GMAT review, and have realized that by taking my time in taking this exam, I may not end up in B School until 2013. Again, kind of frustrating, but since my getting an MBA is not a time-sensitive thing, I'm actually OK with the wait. Maybe I'll have my act together more by then!

Um, also -- B has started asking for a brother, inspired by the Family episode of Yo Gabba Gabba:



Dude, I thought you liked being an only? Also: I think you'll be waiting a while.

Randoms.

Today is our big, first-ever client webinar. I've done all I can to get ready for it; and around 3:15, I will be free! Until next quarter, anyway.

Then I get to focus on our budget for next year, which is always a good time.

The leaves are finally starting to change, the weather's getting cooler, and I'm ready to just *enjoy* Fall already. This stress is harshing my good time! Although last weekend we did hit the Carter Mountain Apple Harvest Festival and had a blast. We're headed up there again this weekend with family to buy our apples/pumpkins/preserves/etc.

Oh, and suddenly we're potty training. B is in love with wearing underpants, and refuses to wear diapers except to sleep, so potty training it is. We've already had some accidents, but we're getting there. Considering that this is about 5 months earlier than I thought we would start--and he is driving it--I think we're doing fine. We'll see how I feel if it's 8 months later and we're still cleaning poo off of the bathroom floor ...

Oh. And. I have not jogged in a week and a half. I have a 5K to run in a little over a month. I have got to get on it, whether my back hurts or I'm traveling or whatever. They've been lovely excuses for the last week and a half, but enough already. The chicks on TBL are starting to catch up to my weight, and you know we can't have that.

My Weekly Therapy Session is Back ...

... AKA The Biggest Loser.

The new season kicked off last night and as usual, there are some seriously overweight people with some serious problems. I couldn't help but tear up hearing Abby's story: She lost her husband, 5 year old, and 2 week old in a fatal car accident. I told my husband that I would not only be heavier than her if that happened to me--I would be dead and gone. How do you come back from that, much less decide to put yourself through this show? She is amazing.

Of course I had to do the "How do I stack up to the women?" when it came time for weigh-in. I'm happy to report that unlike last season, which started back in January 09, I am officially lighter than the starting weight of every female contestant this season.

It seems dumb, but that was a big motivator for me. My husband and I joke that we gain weight during TBL because the extreme workouts, crying, and drama just make you want to sit down and binge sometimes. Happy to say, I did not have cookies this time (though I did have a few cups of low-fat popcorn). And as I watched these people sweat their way through their first workouts, I was both admiring and grateful. Because I remember what it was like to be wheezing and sweating and wanting to die after 15 minutes. I'm grateful that even though I am the slowest jogger on earth, I'm doing it anyway and I'm getting better at it.

This season will be interesting; I'm hoping I can continue to stay ahead of the women for as long as I can. Too bad I don't have a Jillian to scream in my face.

Back to It

So after my awesome breakthrough/empowerment/hear me roar/blah blah, I took a week off from jogging.

Why? Because I'm lazy/busy with other things.

But I was back to it yesterday, with the gripping fear in the back of my mind that I have only about 2 more months until I have to JOG IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE.

Yep, the motivation was back, big time.

Otherwise, life is toodling along: Summer's almost officially over, I'm training for this 5K, trying not to get buried at work, and doing a little dance now that football is back in my life.

And I'm waiting on some GMAT study materials. I still want to do it, gripping fear or not. I seem to be doing a lot of staring-into-fear things lately.

Breakthrough.

After my last post, I had a breakthrough on Saturday. I was doing my usual jog routine, getting that nervous tightening in my chest as the warm-up concluded and it was time to jog, when I decided to change my thinking.

Normally, I am a panicky worker-outer (yes, that's a word. For my purposes). No matter how comfortable I am with a particular workout, I always panic before I get into the heart of a workout. Maybe it's fear of failure? Or fear of an asthma attack, which I had often when I was younger? Whatever the reason, the panic always remains. Especially with jogging/running.

So I decided that this time, there would be no fear. Just jog; who cares if I'm slow, or look goofy, or have to take a quick walk break? I'm in a room by myself in my own house--who cares?

So I did. I ditched my interval routine and tried to jog as long as I could before needing to walk--and it worked! I went for longer, I was calm, and I felt really great after working out. After being stuck on a certain week of my plan for almost three weeks (yeesh), I feel ready to move on.

Not to be too cliche, but it got me thinking: Where else in my life do I let panic or fear hold me back? And how can I fix that?

A Long Road

It's kind of dark and moody out, and I'm feeling contemplative this morning.

Friday is my weigh-in day for my Weight Watchers online program. I just logged my weight and sighed--yes, I was down, that's great. But then I was thinking of how the weight I just logged is still SO heavy. It's easy to get discouraged.

But then I thought: You've come so far from where you were two years ago.

Confession time! I was 289 pounds when I came home from the hospital with my son in July 2007. 11 pounds from 300 pounds.

300. POUNDS.

WTF, Me? I remember sobbing when I got on the scale. Even though I knew a good bit of that weight was the bloating from post-surgery drugs, it was still an insane amount of weight.

I remember in high school, after finally losing weight and looking somewhat normal, being terrified of going over 150 pounds. I remember third year of college, when I actually hit the 200 pound mark I had been terrified of for so long. Then 2001, when I hit 240 pounds, the heaviest I had been ever. Then getting down to 203 for my wedding and being thrilled that I was beginning two new chapters in life: marriage and healthy living. Then November 2006, when I found out I was pregnant at 247 pounds. What was I doing to myself? What happened to the girl from 2003?

Luckily, I had a healthy pregnancy weight gain (about 25 pounds when I was admitted for delivery) and the weight came off FAST post partum -- I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight less than a year after having my baby. Most moms would rejoice; I remember thinking that yay, I was down 42 pounds, but look at the road I still had to travel.

I'm traveling, though. I'm below 247, but confession time is over for now. Everything is still such a work in progress, and while I'm proud of what I've done so far, it's hard not to get caught up in what still needs to be done. It's getting to a point where I wonder if I'll ever be below 200 again in my lifetime ... but I'm trying to stay positive. I know if it's ever going to happen, I need to be more aware of my history than ever, or I'm bound to repeat it.

Hopefully I'll be able to confess some more (long gone weights) in due time. In the meantime, more treadmill jogging awaits tonight.

Awesome Summer Plan Check-In!

I'm kind of blanking on new blog topics, so I figured I'd do a little check-in on my Awesome Summer Plan (ASP). It's probably only interesting to me, but whatevs. Here we go!

Treadmill = LOVE. Even though I have yet to jog on it this week, I've been on the thing pretty regularly and it is indeed awesome. Tom and I agree that our favorite part is the hook-up for the iPod with speakers. I'm freeeeee ... no earbuds, no stupid armband that doesn't fit around my chunky arm. Just sweet sweet crappy pop tunes coming out of my treadmill's speakers while I plod along.

And the plodding is going pretty well. I'm back to doing the Couch to 5K program and need to finish the last day of Week 3 and move on to week 4. The last time I did this program, Tom and I signed up for the Turkey Trot at Quantico Marine Base in November 2005. Except it was a 5 MILER, I didn't find out that fact until the day before, and it was 19 degrees outside. If not for the running program, I'd have probably been an ice pop laying in a ditch along the course, instead of the whiny, shuffling pain in the ass that eventually crossed the finish line. Isn't that inspiring?

I'm hoping to sign up for it again (now that I actually know that it's a 5 miler), but I'm hesitant. I think the reason I'm enjoying my treadmill so much is because I'm taking my time, improving my endurance and fitness, on my schedule. If I add a November deadline then there's all this pressure. But I love pressure and deadlines. I'll probably sign up. What could be a better prep for Thanksgiving that getting up early, braving cold weather, and hoofing it around a Marine base?

The local food thing is still going. Not as strongly over the past few weeks since we've been out of town, but we hit the market this Saturday and then on Sunday had a lovely dinner with most of our organic finds. Reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle and making an effort to buy local have had a really good effect on my thinking about food. For someone with major food issues, this is in fact awesome.

We get out and about. The family has been great about getting outside to play and getting around to socialize. It's been a nice balance of lazy weekends spent outside with the water table and other fun toys and going out of town to see friends. Next weekend is my son's second birthday party--aside from the planning anxiety, I'm looking forward to it. It'll be another great day of playing and family time -- what this summer has been all about.

I got over myself. Really, I did. I wore a bathing suit in our backyard. I ordered another to wear in front of other people on vacation. I wore short sleeves. I wore skirts. I wear shorts now! Granted, they're Bermuda shorts, but shorts nonetheless. Consequently, I've been a lot more comfortable with being outside and enjoying my time. Go figure.

So there you have it - goals set, goals being attained. It doesn't seem like much, but with summer half over, I'm happy that we've used this time wisely. We're slowing down a bit, having fun, and reminding me of why I loved summer as a kid.

Up next? Vacation starting July 27th!